Listening Part 5 of 10

are you listening

We are half way home!  Hopefully you are finding this information helpful to you.  I cover this information as part of the marriage retreat and I can tell you that all of the couples I speak with can pinpoint exactly which of these blockers are causing them problems as soon as I describe them.  I’m sure if we are all being truthful with ourselves, we have all seen one or more of these in our own marriages, but hopefully not to the degree that they cause true communication breakdown.

Ok tonight we look at Listening Blocker #5 – Daydreaming.

#5 – Daydreaming

Daydreaming is almost exactly what you think it would be, exact you have to wonder how in the world anyone could actually do this to someone they love who is trying to talk with them.

From time to time, everyone’s attention wanders, especially at work right!!  When you have been with someone for many years, it can be especially easy to stop listening and drift away into your own fantasies.  It seems hard to find “new” things to talk about when you have been together for many years.  We often tend to fall back into the same safe subjects, such as work, or friends, or what we watch on television.

Yet I will tell you that if you find it harder and harder to pay attention to your spouse, it might be a danger sign that you are avoiding contact or certain topics that you would rather not hear or talk about.

For example, Ken seems to zone out every time his wife Lisa talks about her job.  Ken has come to realize that he is actually resentful of all of the time that Lisa spends at work so he is actually avoiding showing his anger by simply daydreaming and avoiding the conversation all together.

Well that might work for Ken, but what message is he sending to Lisa his wife?  A very loud and clear, “I could care less about you and your job.”  Obviously Ken truly does not feel that way, but his daydreaming leads Lisa to believe that he could care less as that is the perception she has and therefore it becomes her reality.

Today, we send the exact same message when we pick up our cell phones when our spouses are trying to talk to us.  Let me be very clear here – the minute you pick up or even look at your phone when your spouse is talking to you, the alarm bells immediately start going off and their brains instantly tell them, “they care more about their phones or their email or their texts than they do me.”  There is no getting around this.  And I see this absolutely everywhere.  I see it when we are out to eat.  I have seen this at church!  I have even seen a fellow who talk over 10 phone calls on one of those bluetooth ear pieces while he was standing in line for a ride at Disney World!!  How nuts is that!!  His family just kept rolling their eyes as he was seemingly yelling at no one about work things while they were supposed to be having fun.

If you find yourself daydreaming with your spouse, first ask yourself why you are acting this way.  There is always a reason for every action we make.  We never do anything ‘just because’.  You need to take some time and find out what it is that is causing your daydreaming.  If it is the fact that you simply just no longer care about what your spouse is saying, then it is time to seek professional help.  Whatever the reason, once you figure it out, please talk with your spouse about it.  The minute they feel you are zoning out on them, things can begin to escalate in a bad way quickly.

Ok, we are half way done!!  Five more to go!

As always, thank you for coming to the blog and sharing your time with me.  I am very excited because our web site is going to be ready very soon and with that is going to come a lot of great ways for us to share together, including YouTube videos and podcasts, and I hope you are as excited about that as I am!

Until tomorrow, with love,

Pastor Brad Komgenick

 


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