Tonight we are going to focus on the I in my U.N.I.T.E. marriage therapy methodology. In case you missed them, you can read about the U – Understand The Hurt by clicking on the link. U.N.I.T.E. – Understand the Hurt You can also read about the N – Need To Hear Their Feelings by clicking in the link. Need To Hear Their Feelings – U.N.I.T.E. Part 2
Now, we are going to focus on the I – I Own My Actions. By this I mean that now that we have understood how we hurt our spouse, and we also understand the feeling words they used to describe their hurts as well as the intensity that they felt the hurt, now we are going to own up to our part in the hurt.
We are going to go back and visit our friends John and Judy again as they continue to work through the process. Take it away John……
John: Ok Judy, you told me that I hurt you when I told you that I wish I had married Kim instead of you. You told me that made you feel unloved, betrayed, and fearful. You also told me that on a scale of 1 to 50 that this event rated as a 40 for you which is pretty high. Therefore I want you to know that what I can own in this situation is that I did say that I wished I had married Kim instead of you and that hurt you very badly. It hurt you so much that it made you feel like I lied when I tell you I love you, and that lie made you feel betrayed, and that it also makes you fearful that I may divorce you and go back to Kim.
So here John has 100% owned up to his part in the hurt. No ducking, dodging, or defending. There is no need for any of that because the truth of the matter is, John did say those words to Judy, so Judy needs for him to own up to his actions and not act like they did not happen.
What this does is start to rebuild the trust that was lost from the event. It starts the spark that will end up being the flames of love that you will rekindle in your marriage. Owning what we do is exactly what God expects from us.
Here is an example from the Bible. It is a story that God shares with us about a married couple – Ananias and Sapphira. You see, they decided it was ok to lie about something they had done, and then they lied about lying!!! It costs them their very lives, so it is a great lesson for us about owning up to our actions. Please read these verses carefully and slowly, especially the verse which reads, “You have not lied just to human beings but to God.” God is everywhere and with you all the time. When you lie, or when you do not own up to your actions, you are not just lying to people, you are lying to God as well. We are to be responsible people and that means admitting when we hurt others.
Acts 5 – Ananias and Sapphira
5 Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. 2 With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet.
3 Then Peter said, “Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? 4 Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal?What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied just to human beings but to God.”
5 When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened. 6 Then some young men came forward, wrapped up his body, and carried him out and buried him.
7 About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8 Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?”
“Yes,” she said, “that is the price.”
9 Peter said to her, “How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.”
10 At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11 Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.
Great fear should seize us as well when we read Acts 5 because while we may not drop dead the minute we lie or when we try to dodge the truth of our actions, there are always consequences nontheless. God will not be mocked, ever.
So again, when we can look our spouses directly in the eye, feel their hurts and pain along with them, and tell them that we own the fact that we hurt them, this is the action that truly begin the trip down the road to healing. You will actually see the change take place in your spouses eyes when they hear you say that you totally understand why they feel they way they feel, and it is because you hurt them. Here is where hardened hearts begin to melt. Here is where I get to watch spouses begin to move closer to each other and begin holding hands again and begin talking softer to each other. I can see the cold, and dusty fireplaces of their heart will with love and the spark of truth stokes the fires of their passion for each other once again.
Love moves back it!!!!!! Amen!!!!!!
We are so close now to the end of the methodology that has been bringing couple back together in large numbers. It is my prayer that these steps are making sense to you and that you are going along with them. We only have two more to go. I will post them both in a single post tomorrow, as well as a podcast that celebrates marriage and the fact that so many people are willing to take these hard steps together to get back to that fateful day when you both looked each other in the eyes in front of the world and God and said, “I DO!” So I hope you will join us back here tomorrow for the final two steps in the U.N.I.T.E. marriage therapy methodology.
Then on Sunday I will present to you a video that will put this all together in a single place for you as I walk you through the steps on the process and explain them in more detail. I will share some testimonies with you from couple who have used this methodology successfully and you will get to here how they at first struggled with it and how today, they call this methodology “a miracle that saved their marriage.”
As always, God bless you for coming here and spending some time with us here at God’s Light Christian Church and Counseling as we strive to bring you God’s Word and God’s Work done in God’s Way and done in God’s Light!
Pastor Brad Komgenick