“There can be no recovering from a moral failure until the facts are faced.”
A very wise teacher in Seminary shared this nugget of wisdom with me as I was preparing for this amazing career in Christian Counseling and Pastoral Work. Unfortunately I find myself using it far too many times with my clients. Affairs are just that, moral failures, but they are always caused by something and until you get real and face the facts, you will never find out exactly why they happen.
I recently was working with a couple in which the husband had an affair, and when they came to see me his attitude was, “I do not understand what the big deal is. I know what I did was wrong, I have admitted that. It will never happen again. Why are we even here?” All this he managed to say with a straight face while his wife was sitting there in tears.
So I simply looked him directly in the eyes and asked, “That’s wonderful. Now tell me exactly WHY you had the affair.” He could not. And that is the problem. No facts were ever faced by him which means since he cannot explain why he did it, he is more than liable to do it again!
Affairs are horrific to a marriage, no matter who has them. But the bottom line is, affairs happen for a reason and until the reason is named and dealt with, they are more than likely to continue to happen.
For this particular man, it took weeks and weeks of working with him individually to fully understand that he had feelings of worthlessness going all the way back to childhood. His wife was incredibly successful in her career and was therefore very rarely at home. This also means that had little to no communication of any substance and therefore he had needs that were not getting met and he felt like he had no means of communicating this to his wife. Now this do not, by any means, means his affair was right or vindicated. This is just simply the answer to the question that both his wife and I needed to know – why?
Until he can answer the why, his wife feels like there is something wrong with her. That she could never be good enough for him going forward, that she made him have the affair but she has no idea why.
We must always get to the why by facing the facts and then we can get to the “how do we move on from this.” This takes hard work, but all marriages are worth trying to save in God’s eyes.
If this story sounds familiar to you, please know that there is help out there for you. With over a 90% success rate in working with couples in crisis, we here at God’s Light Christian Counseling are here for you. We are a phone call away, and after all, isn’t your marriage worth fighting for?
With prayers for your marriage and life filled with happiness,
Pastor Brad Komgenick
God’s Light Christian Counseling