Divorce is an absolute devastating event in every persons life who experiences it, especially children. Children immediately assume that the divorce was caused by something they did because Mom and Dad are “perfect” and therefore it has to be the child’s fault.
The parents are usually way too busy dealing with the divorce to sit down with the children and explain to them why the divorce took place, and sometimes the kids are just too little to truly understand. Rest assured, you may think divorce is hitting you the hardest, but if you have children, it is they who are taking the full brunt of having their world turned upside down.
Yet divorces happen. In fact 50% of all marriages in the United States in 2017 will end in a divorce. These are just the facts. There are numerous reasons why this happens but in 99% of all cases, communication breakdown is the cause, even though we are positive it is simply because the husband refused to put the seat down on the toilet when he is done.
A question I receive a lot is “How soon is too soon to get re-married?” Again, as with most things, there is no one single answer to that question. What I always counsel people to though is this piece of advice – “Do not even think about getting remarried until you have A) figured out why the divorce happened in the first place, and B) get yourself fixed to ensure that this same thing will not happen to you again in the future.
For example, I counseled a woman who recently went through a divorce. I asked her what she believed led to the divorce and she told me that her husband had an affair and refused to tell her about it even after she had proof positive that it had happened. My next question was, “what do you think led your husband to want to seek love/affection/attention/respect from another woman?” She immediately replied, “I know exactly why – he felt as if my job took precedence over him but the problem is he never bothered to tell me he felt that way.” When I pressed her further it turned out that indeed she had prioritized her job over spending time with her husband. I asked her what he plan was for finding her next husband and she told me, “I’m going to find someone who loves work as much as I do.”
She told me that by waiting at least a month before remarrying she could ensure that she found a man who was as much of a work-a-holic as she was!!!
The real problem here is obviously not the fact that her ex husband did not love work like she did. The real problem was that they had no communication between them that allowed them to share their feelings with each other in a safe and loving manner. Therefore when she asked me if I agreed with her time frame, my answer was a resounding “NO!”
I counseled her to first seek to understand why she was letting work define who she was and how happy she could be. That job could go away in a heartbeat with no fore notice. Yet your spouse will be with you forever if you invest properly in them and show them the love and respect they desperately need. So we spent many weeks understanding her need for acceptance from work over a spouse and we finally were able to figure out that her Dad paid exceptionally little attention to her as she was growing up because – you guessed it – he was at work all the time. Yet she loved him unconditionally and just taught herself that you love others by going to work and earning a lot of money for them and they just need to understand that.
It was over a year later that she allowed herself to begin dating seriously, and only then because she felt that she would then be able to see all of the signs if she began to slip back into bad habits in her new relationships.
I urge everyone who has been through a divorce to fight those feelings of lonliness that the devil whispers in your ear and make darn sure you have gotten to the real facts as to why you got divorced in the first place. Only then will you be able to ensure that you will not easily fall back into bad habits that hinder the communication that must take placein every marriage.
If you have any questions around divorce care or just about how to get back to normal after a divorce, please give us a call and we will be happy to meet with you about this difficult topic. We are here for you!
With great love and prayers for God’s blessing in your life,
Pastor Brad Komgenick
God’s Light Christian Counseling
Call us today for your online video sessions.